Things I'm Struggling with Right Now (And Why I'm Not Quitting)

My last post got deleted...😭

There are times when I look around at everything I want to do — the projects, the ideas, the dreams — and I freeze.
Not because I don’t want to start, but because I’m terrified I won’t be able to finish.
And honestly? That fear can feel paralyzing.

Last week, I tried to record a simple 7-minute YouTube video — just a casual chat about the books I read last month and what’s on my TBR for this month.
It was utter fucking chaos.

The plan was simple: the kids would watch Spidey and His Amazing Friends, happily munching their cereal while I snuck away for a few quiet minutes.
But the second they heard Mom doing anything that didn’t involve sitting right next to them?
Instant code red.

Suddenly I had two tiny faces breathing down my neck, asking questions, climbing on furniture, interrupting every other word.
Because heaven forbid Mom has her own thing for five minutes.

And listen — I know.
I know there will come a day when they’re off in the world, too busy for me, and I’ll ache for the days they were underfoot.
But if I’m being brutally honest?
I fucking hate it when people say that.

Because right now?
Right now, some of these moments suck.
Some days feel like a marathon where I'm tripping over toy cars and emotional landmines, just trying to make it to bedtime without crying in the laundry room.

I do cry when I think about my boys growing up.
I do hope every single day that I’m teaching them to be kind, to treat everyone as equal, and yes — for the love of all that is holy — to PUT THE GODDAMN TOILET SEAT DOWN.

But that doesn't erase the fact that today — this hour — this messy, chaotic season — is hard.
Sometimes I just want thirty minutes.
Thirty uninterrupted minutes to create something.
To record a video.
To write.
To make something that feels mine.

And when I finally do get those thirty minutes?
It’s either late at night when I’m so exhausted that stringing words together feels impossible,
or during nap time, when honestly, I probably should be paying attention to my husband —
because keeping our relationship from slipping into "glorified roommates" is important too.

These thoughts — the negative, the rambling, the chaotic — swirl around in my head every single day.
But here’s the thing:
I'm still here.
I'm not giving up.

You probably thought I'd never get to the positive part of this, huh?
(Admit it. You were worried.)

The truth is — I’m still creating.
Maybe not in the ways I used to.
Maybe not as quickly, as consistently, or as flawlessly as I wish I could.
But I'm finding new ways to keep my creativity alive:

• Using voice-to-text to work on my books.

• Carving out late-night moments even if they’re messy and half-coherent.

• Starting this Substack to have a place to be honest, to be messy, to be real.

I miss my cozy friends from YouTube and Instagram.
I miss the chats, the bookish rambles, the cozy corner of the internet we built.
And maybe some of them will wander over here and say hi —
(if you’re here from the 'gram or the tube, leave a comment so I can ugly-cry happy tears).

But either way?
I'm still here.
I'm mostly making it.

This week, I wrote this post.
I read a few pages of a book.
I showed up for myself, even when it felt easier not to.

That counts.
It all counts.

(The photo I took for a thumbnail of the video that will never come to be.)

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How are you doing?
Really.
Tell me in the comments — I’m listening. 🖤

xoxo, Courtny